Who You're Not
by NothingbutGlitz
Summary: There are two sides to every story, and sometimes finding out who you're not is just as important as finding out who you are. Brad has been waiting for his chance to tell Alec how he really feels for three years, but what will happen when life throws a curve-ball, and the one thing Brad wants becomes the one thing he can never have? - a companion to Who You Are
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! I know I said this would be up a LONG time ago, and I know it is way overdue at this point, but... better late than never? I hope.  
**

**For anyone who doesn't follow me on tumblr or is just unaware of what this is... I'll tell you. This story is about Brad's side of Who You Are, and - as much as I hate to say this - you probably won't want to read this if you haven't read Who You Are. This story is going to be ten chapters long, and the writing style will be a TEENSY bit different than usual, but I hope you guys can get over that *smiley face* **

**Alright, I think you've had enough of me for one day lol. Here's what you've been (hopefully) waiting for!**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: All credit goes respectfully to whoever it belongs to. (aka not me)**

* * *

_Today is the first day of the rest of your life._

Brad rolled his eyes at the text message and hauled himself out of bed slowly. His best friend Camille was always trying to lift his spirits—even when it was completely unnecessary. Although, he couldn't say it was completely unnecessary today.

Today was the first day of Brad's senior year at Alicante and he couldn't help but feel a little sad about it. Sure, he wanted to graduate and go live on his own, but there was another part of him that was afraid of the new life that he would soon be forced to begin. He wasn't sure if he was ready to leave all of this behind—not yet.

And then there was Alec. He didn't know what he would do without Alec.

Brad showered quickly and slipped into his uniform, knowing that Camille would be by his room soon to make sure he was 'awake and inspired' this morning. Ever since Brad had come out to Camille, she had constantly been feeding him positive energy and trying to make him feel better about himself. He hadn't expected that from her when he initially told her, but he was grateful for it. No one else on the earth besides Camille and the few boys he had hooked up with over the years knew that he was gay. He was planning on keeping it that way until high school was finished. He just couldn't afford the risks that would come with coming out while he was still in high school. He knew his parents would kick him out when he told them, so it was obvious to him that he had to wait until he was at college and they could no longer control him. It wasn't even a question.

"Knock, knock."

Brad blinked to clear his head and turned to see Camille slip into his room, looking up at him with expectant eyes.

"Well?" she said.

"Very inspirational." he replied. "Probably the best text I've ever received in my life."

Camille rolled her eyes and cracked a smile. "How was practice yesterday?"

"It was good," Brad said. "Just like it always is."

"Just asking," Camille said. Brad couldn't help himself from being mildly annoyed every time Camille brought up soccer practice since the only reason she ever did was to find out if he was going to talk to Alec about how he felt—which he was _not_—so there was really no point.

"Was Alec there?" she continued.

"Yes, just like he always is. He _is _on the team, you know." Brad said, slowing his words as if he were speaking to a child, which, sometimes he thought he was.

"Don't be a dick." Camille said, sitting down on his bed and crossing her legs in one fluid motion. "I was just wondering if you had a certain conversation with him that you promised you would have _weeks ago._"

"Everything got kind of hectic," Brad defended. "And I did not promise that."

"I said you had to talk to him or get over him. You wanted to talk to him. That means you actually have to do it, Brad."

Brad rolled his eyes. "I don't have to do everything you say."

"You're right. It's better to pine after him for the fourth year in a row, yet again saying _nothing _that could _possibly _clue him in besides the occasional longing stare." Camille said. "You've totally got it covered."

"I do not do that. I totally flirted with him last time we went for pizza!"

"Bullshit. Sitting next to someone doesn't count as flirting. Especially when the whole team is there."

Brad frowned, staring at Camille for a long moment. "Well…"

"Well, nothing. Talk to him." she said, her eyes softening. "It's for your own good, Brad. You can't go on with him the way you are. It's not healthy."

"I know." Brad said. "I just… there's no one better, so what else am I supposed to do?"

"Talk to him." she urged. "Alec's a good guy. If he doesn't return the feelings, I really don't think anything will change between you two."

"Maybe," Brad said. He glanced at his phone in search of some way to change the topic. "Shouldn't we get going?"

Camille rolled her eyes, obviously aware of what Brad was trying to do. "Fine. But you _better _talk to Alec soon."

"I will." he promised.

Camille grabbed his arm before he opened the door. "Don't look so hopeless. _Talk to Alec_ doesn't mean _go and end your friendship with Alec_. For all you know, he could be gay. I mean, he's never dated anyone _ever _and he's gone to this school for like three years. Unless he's asexual…"

"Not helping." Brad said.

Camille laughed. "I'm just saying."

The two of them made their way down to the main building on campus and the atmosphere of the hallways was incredible. All around there were friends reuniting and laughing together and it made Brad smile. He and the rest of the team had already had their reuniting moment a few weeks ago and it had been just the same. Brad had talked to Alec a few times while they were apart in the weeks before soccer practice picked up again, but it hadn't been enough to dilute the ache that was permanently set in his chest.

Seeing Val and Jon again hadn't been what Brad was hoping for, mostly because he sometimes forgot that they were asses when he was away from them for a long period of time, only to see them again and remember. They were alright—usually—but he still preferred Camille and Alec.

The rest of the team was a lot better, and throughout the end of the summer, Brad found himself getting closer with Damien and Raphael. Damien seemed to be really into the party scene, but that was alright with Brad. He usually didn't _love _going to parties, but he liked them enough that he would go if someone asked him to. Damien asked a lot.

Brad consistently tried to get Alec to come along with him, but he almost never did. He wasn't really into the whole 'drink until you drop' thing, but Brad couldn't blame him after everything that had happened freshman year. Brad didn't like thinking about it, but he was almost positive that everything that happened freshman year was what made him latch onto Alec so tightly. He had helped Alec get through that year and escape from the clutches of depression and loneliness that he so often claimed was going to consume him. Brad was the only other person besides Isabelle that had helped Alec deal with his panic attacks. Having been there for him when no one else was had left its mark on Brad. He wasn't sure whether or not it had been the same for Alec, but it had changed Brad. He hoped that he could make Alec see that.

Brad heard the bell ring, signaling that it was time for class to start, and he darted down the hall in search of his first class. The day passed quickly, and he didn't get to talk to Alec until after school was out, but he didn't mind much because Camille was in almost every class he had.

Practice went well, and since they had a game in a few days, everyone on the team (and a few extras) went out for pizza at their usual place. Brad was elated when Alec chose to sit next to him, and even more elated when Alec didn't shrug Brad's arm off his shoulder.

"Are we going to practice again before the game?" Brad asked as everyone made their way out of the pizzeria. Brad had made sure not to slide out of his seat until he and Alec were the last team members remaining in the building so he could flirt with Alec without being noticed. Take that, Camille.

"Unless Coach was planning on canceling…"

"No, I meant you and me."

"Oh," Alec said. "If you want to, then of course we can."

"Awesome," Brad said, sliding out of the booth. Brad had to clench his fist to stop himself from catching Alec's hand as he walked past him and toward the door. God, he had it bad.

"Did you see how Raphael and Damien were playing?" Alec said as they walked toward the parking lot. "They're practically a tag team!"

"They'll probably be the next 'Brad and Alec' when we graduate," Brad said, grinning when Alec's cheeks pinked.

"Probably," Alec said. Brad could see Jace and Isabelle in the distance, and he knew that if he didn't act now it would be too late.

"Alec?"

Alec stopped in his tracks and turned toward him, his eyes warm and inviting as Brad stared into them.

Aaaaaaand he couldn't do it. No fucking way.

"I better get going," Brad said, mentally kicking himself in the balls several times for being too much of a chicken to tell Alec how he felt. Without thinking, he pulled Alec into a hug and darted toward his car without looking back. He didn't even want to know what Alec was thinking right now. He wasn't sure if he had ever hugged him before—okay, he _hadn't, _and he was quite aware of the fact—and he prayed to god that Alec didn't think he was being creepy.

So much for that plan.

* * *

The next few days were perfectly fine and Alec hadn't seemed to have thought about the hug or the arm around his shoulders at all. Sometimes during practice, Brad would let his hand linger for a moment when no one was looking, or during school, he would chat with Brad in the hallway and it almost seemed like Alec might actually feel the same way that Brad did. Maybe. Possibly. Hopefully.

Either way, Brad was kind of pissed that he didn't have lunch with Alec this year. From what Brad had been hearing, Alec had been sitting with some red haired scholarship kid and her nerd friend, but he didn't know anything more than that. Although, even that was odd. Alec almost _never _sat with people he didn't know—hell, he barely _talked _to people he didn't know, so it did strike Brad as a bit odd that Alec was all the sudden spending his entire hour of lunch sitting with strangers when there were plenty of other guys from the soccer team that had lunch with Alec.

Usually, Brad would have been worried about seeing Alec at some point in the day, thinking out ways to hang out with Alec alone without actually asking, but today he had bigger things on his mind.

Brad's parents had been spending a lot of time away from home throughout the summer, but Brad had just assumed that would stop once the school year started. But the thing was… it hadn't stopped. Brad hadn't actually seen his parents in three weeks, which, you know, wouldn't have bothered him under normal circumstances… but these were no normal circumstances.

His parents had spent almost their entire summer at some kind of religious camp where they had—in Brad's opinion—joined some kind of weird cult that had them decorating the house with weird New Age shit that he didn't want anything to do with. Last time he had seen them they had brought home a box of garlic for the housekeeper to put up to protect the house from _demons, _but Brad just thought they were losing it. And as far as he could tell, so did the housekeeper. At this point, the only reason Brad wanted to see his parents was to make sure they didn't need to be locked up or put in straight-jackets or something.

Brad was extremely grateful for Camille in times like this. Camille's mother was _always _going through some kind of weird phase, so Camille knew first-hand how to handle crazy ass parents.

"You have to ignore it, honestly," Camille said while the two of them walked down the sidewalk. "Parents are fucking _mental _sometimes, so you just have to let it pass."

"I don't know… Carrie seemed pretty freaked out."

"Pshhh, housekeepers are freaked out by everything."

"Camille, you've met Carrie. Does she honestly seem like the kind of woman to warn me about something when it's not necessary? Especially when it's a warning about my _parents_?"

"She knows you're gay," Camille said softly. "She was probably just trying to warn you that you shouldn't plan on coming out to them while they're shoving garlic up their asses."

"Maybe," he said kicking a rock into the grass. "I don't know. I'm starting to think I'll _never _be able to come out to them."

"Aw, Brad, yes you will. You just have to give it time."

Brad sighed dramatically.

"You know," Camille said. "There's something I haven't told you."

"What?" Brad said, still staring at the ground.

"I should have told you a long time ago, but I guess… now is the right time."

Brad stopped walking and looked up at her. "Camille, what are you talking about?"

"You came out to me and I accepted you, so I think I should be able to feel safe coming out to you."

Brad's jaw dropped as he waited for Camille to utter the same two words that he said to her all those years ago.

"I'm a shopaholic."

Brad narrowed his eyes and elbowed her before striding away in attempt to keep her from seeing the smile on his face. Camille burst into laughter the second he turned his back, so Brad knew his attempts to conceal his amusement were fruitless.

"Fuck you," he said, turning around and letting a laugh escape his lips.

"Are you offering?" she wheezed between her giggles.

Brad rolled his eyes, stuck his middle finger up at her, and then started walking back toward the dorms.

This was going to be one hell of a year.

* * *

**Let me know if you all liked it! I have the second chapter written already (yes, this story is what is causing the Who You Are updates to be so slow hehe sorry), and I'll put it up sometime this week (hopefully).  
**

**Let me know what you guys think about Brad and this story! I love you all! Please review - I need feedback! *Smiley face***

**-Hannah xx**


	2. Think Before You Speak

**Hey guys! Thanks for all the reviews! They literally mean SOOO MUCH to me! Especially since I thought no one would read this story haha! Anyway, thank you all so much, and here is chapter two! *smiley face***

**Thank you to Amanda (Mandirulez) for editing this chapter (and every chapter that I ever write). You're amazing!**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything except for Brad.**

* * *

Days flew by and turned into weeks, and before Brad knew it, September was almost over. School wasn't as bad this year, or so it seemed.

Brad was getting used to being overly friendly with Alec—and hearing Camille whine about it afterwards—to the point that he almost thought it could work. Alec had _still _not made a move with any girls around the school yet and it really made Brad wonder. Sometimes, Alec almost seemed to reciprocate Brad's careful smiles and it made Brad's heart stutter in his chest. It made him think that maybe, just maybe, he was right. Maybe Alec _did _like him. Maybe.

Brad didn't like it when Alec got paired up with the new kid for their history project, he didn't like it at all. First of all, this kid was _hot_. Like, really hot. And if Alec _was _actually gay… then being paired up with a really hot guy would not be ideal—for Brad, anyway. And second of all… the new kid was _definitely _gay. Like, no question. He had sparkles around his eyes and in his hair. If that didn't scream GAY, then Brad did know what did.

To make matters worse, this kid obviously had a thing for Alec. It would be hard to miss the way his eyes followed Alec every time they were in class, he way he would smile when Alec did something cute, which happened a lot. It might not be obvious to the rest of the class like it was to Brad, but Brad was well versed in the art of crushing on Alec from afar, so it would be practically impossible for him to miss it.

Camille told him not to worry about it, because Sparkle Boy was obviously not Alec's type, but that was easier said than done.

It was easier when they were on the soccer field and they had practice time with just the two of them. It didn't happen as often as it used to, but Brad was still grateful for the time he gets.

After one practice in particular, Coach took them aside and told them that there were scouts coming that specifically wanted to take a look at the two of them and that there was a chance that they might play professional ball together. Brad didn't know what to say, so he let Alec do all the talking. He was so happy, he thought his brain might melt. Brad. Alec was really happy too and that made Brad even _happier_, if that was even possible. Their next game was canceled, but that news went in one ear and out the other, because Brad was too overjoyed to care about it.

When Brad told Camille, she hugged him tightly and took him out for drinks to celebrate. Brad didn't know if he'd ever been happier. All he wanted was to play soccer and now he might get to play soccer _with Alec_. It was too much.

Camille seemed happy for him. For once she wasn't complaining about how much Brad liked Alec, or how he just needed to tell him, and he was glad. It seemed like Camille was finally warming up to the idea that Alec might actually like Brad, believing it even, and it made Brad hopeful. He felt even more hopeful when Camille brought up the subject of Alec without a word of it from Brad.

"I think you should tell him," she said softly. "I really do."

"I know you do," Brad said, rolling his eyes.

"No, I mean it. I think he likes you."

Brad is floored by these words and he didn't know what to think of them. "You do?"

"I do. The way he looks at you sometimes… I just, I can feel it."

Brad smiled lazily at her, feeling his drinks catching up to him. "We'll see."

"Yes, we will, Bradley. Yes, we will."

* * *

Brad's confidence was building day by day, until he saw Sparkle Boy talking to Dan, the first boy Brad had ever kissed and whom he'd dated for a few months before Dan had broken it off.

"Camille!" he whispered, tugging at her sleeve until she looked. Camille paled.

"Why is he talking to Dan?" she asked.

"I don't know, obviously," Brad said, trying his best to watch the two of them as discreetly as possible as he pretended to be going through the contents of Camille's locker.

After a couple more seconds, Sparkle Boy walked away with an odd expression on his face and it took Brad about two seconds to dart over to Dan.

"What were you two talking about?" he asked quietly, glancing around nervously to make sure no one was listening.

"Nothing," Dan says too quickly.

"Dan," Brad urges.

"He was asking about Alec and—" Dan said.

"What about Alec?"

"God," Dan said sadly. "You're _still _hung up on him? I thought after everything that happened with us, you'd have gotten over that."

"I'm not—"

"I can see it all over your face, so there's no use denying it," Dan shook his head sadly. "Nothing's changed, I see."

"It's not like that, I just—what did that kid want to know?"

"I don't think you want to know," Dan said, sidestepping around Brad. "See you around."

Brad cringed. This conversation felt eerily similar to the one he had had with Dan the day Dan had broken up with him. Dan had accused him of having feelings for Alec and, when Brad didn't deny it, broken up with him because of it. Brad couldn't blame him, really. He would have broken up with Dan if Dan had been in love with somebody else too.

When Brad met up with Camille in her room after class, Camille told him that she had _convinced _Dan to tell her what he knew. Brad wasn't sure he wanted to know what that meant, but he was grateful for it either way.

Apparently, Sparkle Boy—or _Magnus_, as Camille called him—had been asking Dan if Brad had feelings for Alec, and like the little bitch he was, Dan had told him that yes, Brad did like Alec.

Camille seemed to think this was a _very _bad thing, because she had seen Alec and Magnus hanging out recently, and she thought he might tell Alec. Brad felt hollow. That stupid Sparkle Boy had _better not _tell Alec. He would ruin everything!

When Camille's roommate came back to the room, Brad left quickly, noticing that it was Alec's new red haired friend—the one from the scholarship program. God, Brad just could not escape Alec or things that had to do with Alec.

The rest of the week, Alec acted weird every time Brad came near him, and it made Brad want to scream. And kill Dan. Maybe both.

On Thursday, Brad decided it was time to say something to Alec—try to put his mind at ease, even if he had to lie, because he couldn't let this _one thing _ruin everything. He couldn't.

Once all the rest of the team and Coach were inside in the locker room, Brad watched Alec for a minute as he kicked the ball around the field, waiting for the rest of the team to get out, as usual. But eventually, Brad decided to talk to him.

"Alec!" he called, approaching him quickly. He needed to talk to him quickly, before the rest of the team made it out of the locker rooms.

Alec didn't turn and Brad called again and again. Shit. Alec must be ignoring him.

Brad reached out and put a hand on Alec's shoulder, cringing when Alec flinched away. He definitely knows.

Brad pulled his hand away quickly. "Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Alec asked, twirling the ball in his hands and not meeting Brad's eyes. Brad felt like someone had just punched him in the stomach. He should have known Alec wouldn't want to talk to him anymore.

"You've been acting kind of weird this week," Brad said carefully, trying to keep the hurt out of his voice. "I understand if you're frustrated about the game being pushed back. We all are. But I don't want you to—"

"I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me," Alec said, his voice hard. There was something behind his eyes that made Brad think that maybe there actually _was _something wrong, other than what Magnus had possibly told him. Brad hadn't talked with Alec about his family recently or about his panic attacks and he really might have something going on. Brad immediately felt guilty for assuming that Alec's behavior was solely based on him, when there could easily be bigger things going on.

"You really don't have to pull that with me, Alec." _You can tell me anything, _he wanted to add, but he couldn't make the words come out. It felt too intimate, too much… but _god_, did he want to.

"I'm not upset about the game, I swear," Alec said, confirming to Brad that there really _was_ something going on. And that made Brad feel like shit. Here he was, worried about himself, and what Alec thought of him when Alec was going through something difficult all by himself. Brad had just been too wrapped up in his own emotions recently to notice.

"Whatever's going on with you… you can tell me, okay? That's what friends are for," Brad said.

Alec looked like he was about to say something, but he stopped himself, and Brad didn't know what else to say. Alec was staring at him with those big blue eyes, looking nervous and uncertain, and Brad couldn't push down the swell of emotions that came bubbling up into his mind and heart. The way Alec was looking at him… it was like he already knew. He knew and now Brad had nothing to lose. He could see his choice before him, clear as day. He could choose to take the leap, tell Alec how he felt and pray to god that he felt the same way, or he could walk away, and hope that their friendship wouldn't be destroyed if he left it alone.

It wasn't much of a choice at all.

"Fuck that," he said, steeling himself for what he was about to say, and the rejection that could very well be near. "Alec, I need to tell you something. Something that I should have told you a long time ago."

Alec's expression didn't change, but Brad saw his eyes widen. He knew what was coming.

Brad could see Camille in the back of his mind, urging him forward and begging him not to chicken out. For the first time, he wasn't going to.

"I like you. A lot. And I have for a really long time," Brad said. His heart was hammering against his ribs and he was fairly certain they were going to crack soon. "I was too scared to tell you because I didn't know how you would react. I know you feel the same way, Alec. I know it," he said, pleading with Alec that it would be true. He needed it to be true.

Alec looked shocked, but not horrified—which made it seem better. He was staring at Brad like... like he wasn't sure how to feel. Almost like he was relieved and scared all at once. And it made Brad hope that maybe he really _was _gay and maybe there was a chance. Maybe.

And then Brad did something stupid. He knew it was stupid when he started leaning in and he knew it was stupid when their lips connected.

But he didn't think he could bring himself to regret it. At least, not until Alec shoved him away. He shoved Brad so hard that he stumbled backward, tripping over his legs and falling to the ground.

He stared down at Alec in complete horror, praying that the earth would swallow him up, or maybe he could get struck by lightning and die, although, the probability of that happening was not high, considering there wasn't a cloud in sight.

"I-I'm sorry," Brad wheezed, running a shaky hand through his hair. "Don't be mad," he pleaded.

And Alec didn't look mad, per say… he _did, _however, look confused. Confused and overwhelmed and maybe a little bit scared.

"What…" Alec began, seeming to be at a total loss for words.

Brad panicked.

"Alec, I know you're confused, but I promise you that that was not one sided. You can't tell me you don't feel the chemistry between us."

"Brad—"

"Just think about it. Okay? That's all I'm asking." Brad said, backing away. Alec just stared.

Brad clenched his jaw, turned around, and ran.

He ruined it. He had _one shot, _and he ruined it. _God fucking dammit. _

He had known it was a long shot from the second the words had tumbled out of his mouth. He had mistaken Alec's kindness for something it wasn't, and he had ruined everything because of it.

How could he have been wrong? All the signs had been there. Alec had never pushed him away when he put his arm around him, he had never given Brad a strange look when Brad let his fingers linger a second too long on Alec's arm or shoulder, he had never been the first one to break eye contact.

He never even went in the fucking locker room. EVER. Brad had thought that that had to mean something. It had to.

It didn't.

It didn't and he should have known, should have been smart enough to know. Even if Alec _was _gay, that didn't mean he would like Brad. He should have thought about that. He should have thought _period._

When Brad arrived at his destination, he banged loudly on the door, trying his best to ignore all the people walking past him, no doubt wondering why one of the two stars of the soccer team was standing in the middle of the hallway nearly crying.

Camille opened the door and Brad could tell instantly that she knew.

"Come here, baby," she said, pulling him into her room and hugging him tightly, kicking the door shut behind them.

It was then that Brad finally allowed his tears to fall.

* * *

**Please review and let me know what you think of this chapter! **

**-Hannah xx**


	3. Sparkle Boy

**Hey guys! I just started school, so it might take a little longer for the next chapter (after this one, obviously) to be uploaded, but I hopefully it shouldn't be too long. **

**Random side note - I sent my first fan letter today. I sent it to my favorite set of youtubers, and I really, really hope they read it. Lol. **

**S/O to my Beta Amanda for being AWESOME and getting these to me super fast! Literally, even when she thinks it's slow, it's still fast. She's fucking awesome. **

**Dany: It's totally Brad's povSarah: Thank you for existing.  
**

**Every other reviewer: I FUCKING LOVE YOU ALL SERIOUSLY YOU MAKE MY LIFE BETTER I SWEAR. **

**Anyway, here is the next chapter! **

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own TID or TMI. I think you all know that... but you know. Better safe than sorry. lol.**

* * *

Brad tried to find Alec, to talk to him and explain, but Alec was nowhere to be found. Well, that's what Brad told himself. A part of Brad didn't really _want _to find Alec—mostly out of fear. He didn't want to lose Alec, and even if he already did, it wasn't a for sure thing yet. Alec hadn't confirmed to him that he had lost him yet; there was still hope. Maybe.

Brad couldn't help but think about when they were both fifteen, when they had first met, and Brad had seen Alec across the room at a party and—like any naive, fifteen year old kid—thought that he was the most perfect, beautiful boy he had ever seen, and he wanted him almost immediately. It was even worse once Brad got to know Alec because he became more and more beautiful in every way and it was overwhelming, honestly. There were times when Brad would look at Alec from across the lunch table, or across the soccer field, and he would just stop in his tracks, sometimes in the middle of a word, and just stare. The way Alec's eyes lit up when he talked about soccer or about his brothers or sister was breathtaking and sometimes Brad found it difficult to think when he was near him. He had always felt that way, ever since he had known Alec. He had originally thought the feeling would go away, or at least lesson to something he could handle a little better, but it hadn't. He still felt the same now as he did when he was fifteen and he just couldn't bring himself to be upset about it.

But it didn't matter anymore. All those feelings, those inklings that Alec might possibly feel the same way, had been shot to hell when Brad had kissed him like a _fucking idiot. _He had ruined everything and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

Camille had been kind, kinder than Brad thought he deserved, under the circumstances, and she had told him that he shouldn't be too hard on himself. She had said he had stopped himself from kissing Alec for three years, that he should be proud of himself for holding off_ that_ long, but he didn't know if he believed her.

Camille told Brad that he should go down to The Bat Cave for a little while and maybe find something unrelated to Alec to obsess over, but Brad didn't think that would work. Alec was the one that convinced Brad to read comics in the first place since he and Max read them, so going to The Bat Cave probably wouldn't help with the 'don't think about Alec' thing.

Camille was very convincing, so eventually Brad went, promising himself that he would be in and out fast enough that he wouldn't think of Alec, but unfortunately the universe seemed to be working against him, and he barely entered the store before Alec barreled into him, crashing onto the floor like a raving lunatic.

"Alec?" he said, his eyes wide. He hadn't expected Alec to be here, hadn't expected to see him so soon. He didn't know what to do.

"We were just going," Max said, popping out from the Star Wars aisle and yanking Alec to his feet, shoving him toward the door rather harshly. "Nice to see you, Brad."

Alec and Max stumbled out the door while Brad stared at them wordlessly, praying that this was some kind of dream. Max always talked to Brad when he ran into him. Always. There was no reason he wouldn't, unless… unless Alec told him what happened.

Brad could hear them arguing and he saw Max point back at the door, saying something that was making Alec's skin pale. Brad could see that familiar look of panic in Alec's eyes and he knew what was coming. God, he hated when Alec got like this.

So he went outside. He ignored every warning going off in his mind, begging him to stay inside and wait for them to leave, but he couldn't—not when Alec needed him.

"Are you okay, man?" he asked, approaching Max and Alec slowly, in hope of defusing the situation before it got any worse. Maybe Alec would understand. Maybe he would be able to forgive and forget and just move on. Brad hoped he could.

Alec was sitting on the bench outside hunched over the trashcan and it appeared that he had just vomited. Brad's stomach rolled and he reached out toward Alec's shoulder, only to jerk it back when Alec recoiled from him.

"He's fine," Max said. "But Brad, I don't think you being over here right now is going to help."

Brad couldn't help but feel like he was just punched in the stomach as he stared at the two of them. Alec seemed upset, not meeting his eyes, but Max just seemed… almost hostile.

"Oh, um…" he trailed off, staring at Alec intently, begging him to meet his eyes. "I didn't–I don't want to—"

"You two have been friends forever, I get that." Max said. "It was brave of you to admit what you did to Alec, and I respect that you did, but Alec is straight and it's not going to happen. So please, just be his friend right now."

"Max!" Alec said, looking frantic.

"It's okay, I get it. I should have kept my mouth shut," Brad said, turning around and heading down the street, trying to escape as quickly as he could before Alec saw through his mask of indifference.

He was right. He had ruined it. Alec didn't want to be with him, or even near him anymore. Brad had lost him.

* * *

The next morning, Camille came into Brad's room before he was out of bed to show him something—some kind of photo of a painting Clary had painted. Brad didn't really want to see it—he didn't even know Clary, so why should he care?—but Camille was insistent.

Eventually, he looked at it and he felt his jaw drop as he did.

It was a beautiful painting, first of all. Brad didn't know that anyone in this school, much less a new scholarship kid, could paint like that. The second thing he noticed was that it was a romantic painting. There were two people, two guys, it looked like, laying on the grass in the middle of the picture, all snuggled together. Brad thought one of the guys looked like Alec, a lot like Alec, but then that couldn't be true. Clary wouldn't draw Alec with some guy—he was straight… wasn't he? That was what Max had said and Alec hadn't stopped him.

"Why are you showing me this?" he asked Camille.

"Because I think you know who these two people are," she said. "And I think this is something you should see."

"But why?"

"Because if Alec is already dating another guy, then that explains everything!" she practically shouted. "That would explain all the weird behavior _and _why he's too stupid to pick up on your flirting."

"He's not stupid."

"Whatever. I just mean… maybe this is the explanation you need."

"The explanation I need _for what_?"

"To get over him," Camille finally said. "If he has a boyfriend, then you can move on. You have to, Brad."

There was a desperation in Camille's voice that made Brad feel immediately guilty. "Camille, I don't want you to feel bad for me. It isn't your responsibility to fix me."

"You're my best friend," Camille said sadly. "Of course I'm going to try."

Maybe she was right, but Brad couldn't bring himself to believe her. Alec had told him, or at least led him to believe he was straight and Brad had to give him the benefit of the doubt. Alec wouldn't lie to him, he wouldn't.

Brad left Camille and went for a walk to clear his head and sort out his priorities separate from Camille. He knew she was trying to help, but he needed to work through this on his own. He couldn't make decisions with Camille breathing down his neck.

Brad was shocked out of his thoughts when he noticed he was walking straight toward Alec, who was smiling at the boy he was walking next to, who Brad immediately recognized.

Sparkle Boy. Magnus Bane.

It was then that Brad realized something else. Magnus was the boy from the painting—the one who was cuddling up to Alec under the stars.

No. No fucking way. There was only one explanation for this, but Brad didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to believe that Alec would have lied to him. He couldn't.

"Alec?" he said once he was too close to avoid him any longer.

"Hey," Alec said. "I'm sorry about what Max said. I didn't want him to–"

"It's fine," Brad said, cutting him off and letting his eyes dart toward Magnus, forcing a smile. "It's not like he said anything I didn't already know."

"Uh, yeah…"

Brad stared at Magnus for a moment, and then at Alec, and decided that he had to do something about this. The way Magnus was looking at Brad was downright predatory, and Brad couldn't help but wonder what Magnus would say or do to him if Alec wasn't around. He seemed to be irritated with Brad's mere presence and that made Brad angry. He didn't want this boy around Alec, not at all. He was acting like… like a possessive boyfriend and it was too much for Brad to handle, so he said the first thing he could think of to get Alec away from him.

"I was wondering… do you still want to practice before the game on Tuesday? I know you feel weird about it now, but… I could really use the practice."

He hoped he was convincing.

"Of course!" Alec said too quickly. Brad couldn't help but crack a smile when Magnus looked over at Alec with a surprised look.

"Thanks, Alec," he said.

"Well, we should get going," Magnus said, giving Alec a little push. Brad felt his body fill with anger at that gesture. The fact that he had pushed Alec, despite it being a small, meaningless gesture, absolutely infuriated Brad. It was so possessive and controlling and just… wrong.

"Where are you going?" Brad asked, locking eyes with Magnus. He knew Magnus was probably taking this as a challenge, but he couldn't back down.

Magnus raised his brows at Brad, obviously not planning on telling him, and Alec remained silent, which somehow made Brad even angrier. "Whatever, don't tell me. I'll see you on Monday, Alec."

With that, Brad stormed off, deciding that if he was going to talk to Alec about this, he was going to do it on his own terms, not Sparkle Boy's. Fuck him. If he wanted to play this game, then so be it. Brad could fight for Alec—he would. Sparkle Boy wouldn't know what hit him.

* * *

Alec didn't show. Brad waited and waited for him, but he just didn't show. Brad knew before he called Alec that he would make up some excuse, try to lie his way out of it, but Alec had never been a good liar and Brad could see straight through him. He was with Sparkle Boy, that much was obvious. He had _spent the night_ with him. God fucking dammit. Brad didn't know how to cope with this information. Alec rescheduled, but Brad had a feeling that it would never happen. He should have seen this coming. He should have known that he had to make his move sooner because now it was too late.

Brad tried to talk to Camille later that night to talk to her, to spend some time with her so he could forget about Alec Lightwood, but she wasn't in her room. When he called, she told him she was at a club with a few people and that she would be back later tonight, if he still wanted to talk. Brad knew it would be useless to talk to Camille after she got home, she would be too tired. Camille was the kind of partier that went out all the time, but rarely drank enough to get wasted. She said that girls acted stupid and sloppy when they were wasted and she didn't want to be like that. But that didn't mean she was any easier to talk to after she came home from a party. All she wanted to do was sleep and Brad knew that nothing he said would get through to her, so he went to bed and hoped that he could talk to her tomorrow.

That night, Brad dreamed of Alec Lightwood and Sparkle Boy.

He had never had a worse night of sleep in his life.

* * *

**Alright guys, what do you think? Pretty please let me know in the reviews! Love you guys! **

**-Hannah xx**


	4. Word Vomit

**Hey guys! I know it's been a while, but here is the next chapter! Thank you all for reviewing and following and favoriting! I love you all!**

**Disclaimer: I obviously don't own TMI or TID. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

School on Monday was torture. Brad had originally wanted to talk to Alec, to confront him about why he had lied, but when Alec showed up to school hung over, Brad lost it. He knew he didn't have a right to be mad, but Alec never, _never _went out drinking—not since freshman year—and it felt like a personal kick to the gut that the first time Alec agreed to go out drinking would be with that goddamn sparkly fairy and not him. Brad didn't want to be _that_ guy who got jealous over someone he had never even dated, but he couldn't help it. He cared about Alec more than he cared about anyone else in this world, so it was hard to keep a level head sometimes when it came to things that involved Alec.

Brad handled his anger well enough through the day, avoiding Alec like the plague. It wasn't until soccer practice rolled around that Brad _really _snapped. He was so angry, he couldn't help shouting at Alec. He didn't really mean it, not really, but the words tumbled out of his mouth before he had time to think, and it was too late. That bothered Brad even more than the yelling—the fact that he could say things like that to Alec on accident. He had always thought that Alec was different, that Alec was the one person Brad could always control himself around, but he hadn't. He failed himself and he'd failed Alec and that was the real problem.

When Brad finally caught up with Camille, her mood was grave. Brad hadn't seen her act this serious since he had come out to her and it was mildly frightening.

"You're not going to be happy about this," she warned as she stepped out of her room carefully. Brad hadn't been inside of Camille's room ever since he had kissed Alec because he was afraid of running into Camille's roommate, who just so happened have recently become one of Alec's inner circle, much to Brad's disappointment. There were even rumors of her and Jace being an item, and if that was true, there was no way in hell Brad wanted to run into her.

"What is it?" Brad asked, glancing up and down the hall to make sure no one was eavesdropping on them.

"Look," Camille said, holding up her phone. She was looking away, as if she couldn't bear to look at whatever she was showing him. When Brad finally saw the picture she was showing him, his stomach rolled.

There on the phone screen was Alec, grinding up against Sparkle Boy like there was no tomorrow. His hands were locked around his neck and their lips were locked in what looked like an extremely sloppy kiss. Brad could guess that Alec had been drunk, but the image still made him want to throw up.

"Where did you get this?" he whispered.

"They were at the same club that I was," Camille said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"But, why would he—I mean, he said he was _straight._"

"He lied, obviously," Camille said sincerely. She sounded angry, but Brad knew her anger was directed toward Alec, not him.

"But…" Brad trailed off. It didn't make sense. Alec wouldn't lie about something like this, he wouldn't. Brad had had his suspicions when Alec started hanging out with _fucking Magnus Bane_, but he had dismissed them—no, Alec had dismissed them. He had shoved Brad off of him, he had been horrified. It couldn't be.

"Brad, I'm so sorry. I—"

Brad didn't have time to hear the rest of whatever Camille had been trying to say. He couldn't. He couldn't stand there and listen to Camille dish out every ounce of pity she possessed, he just couldn't.

He couldn't believe this was happening. Alec was gay. After all this time, all the speculation and hope and doubt and fear, it was actually happening. All Brad had wanted the past few years was for Alec to be gay, or more importantly, for Alec to like him. That's all. He just wanted Alec to care for him the same way he cared for Alec. Was that really so much to hope for?

Apparently so. Brad didn't know how he was supposed to cope with this, this new revelation that had flipped his world upside down and thrown his heart on the ground. On one hand, he felt betrayed, because how could Alec not have told him—especially after Brad had stuck his neck out on the line and kissed Alec, which he knew was a dumb move, but what the hell—but on the other hand… He just felt lost. He didn't know what he was supposed to think, what he was supposed to feel.

So he let himself drift. He walks aimlessly around the school grounds, trying to contain his anger, but he can feel it festering. He can feel it boiling hotter and hotter inside his body, and he knows that if he doesn't find an outlet soon, that he'll explode.

That was when he ran into Val and Jon.

"Hey, Brad," Jon called. "What are you doing out here?"

"Blowing off some fucking steam," Brad deadpanned.

Val laughed. "Aren't we all? Why don't you find a girl for that? Unless… this is girl related."

Brad rolled his eyes, trying to let some of his anger dissipate to no avail.

"What's that one chick's name? Camille, is it?" Jon asked, smiling. "Are you fucking her yet?"

"We're just friends," Brad said.

"We know there's something going on with you," Val said. "You've been playing like shit the past couple of days. Lightwood too. What gives?"

Brad winced at the sound of Alec's name. "Nothing."

"Bullshit. You two have been avoiding each other on and off the field. Even Coach noticed," Val said.

"It's none of your business," Brad seethed. "Stay out of it."

Val narrowed his eyes. "I think it is my business. What is it? Your parents, your friends? Is it something that—"

"I just have a lot going on, okay? Yes, it's my parents. Yes, it's my friends, and yes, it's _fucking Alec. _Ever since what happened on the soccer field it's been—" Brad cut himself off and clamped his hand over his mouth, horrified that he had let something like that slip out of his mouth.

_What had he done?_

"What happened on the soccer field? What do you mean?" Jon asked, looking concerned.

"Nothing," Brad said too quickly.

"Brad," Val warned. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Brad stressed. "Things just got a little… weird. It was fine, it's fine now."  
"I heard a rumor about something that happened on the soccer field between two of our players," Val said with narrowed eyes. "But I didn't think it was _true_."

Val knows. Val knows. Oh my holy god, Val knows. Brad wracked his brain for something to get him out of this situation, but unfortunately, his mouth moved before his brain.

"He was coming on to me," he blurted, simultaneously wanting to punch himself in the face and throw up.

"Whoa, that shit was _true_?" Jon said, eyes wide.

"I um, shoved him off me pretty quickly so it was fine. It's fine, just… a little awkward now," Brad said, wincing at how obvious of a lie it was. Alec would have been able to smell the bullshit from a mile away.  
Val, however, didn't. "That piece of shit," he seethed. "That's disgusting."

Brad shrank back a bit as Val and Jon went on to discuss how disgusting Alec was and how if he ever tried something like that on them they would beat the shit out of him. He didn't know what to do. How could he have done this? Alec was going to hate him. If he didn't already, he had just blown any chances he had at reconciliation out the window. God dammit.

Val unfortunately didn't drop the subject, no matter how much time passed or how many times Brad begged him to. He wanted to know if it had happened more than once or if Alec was bothering him or if he felt uncomfortable around him and it was killing him. Thankfully he hadn't said anything to Alec, but Brad figured it was only a matter of time. God, he had screwed up.

Eventually, Val wore Brad down—cornered him with questions until Brad didn't have time to think and yet again, blurted more stupid things about how it had happened once or twice before, but Alec was backing off now so it was okay. Brad didn't think Val believed him.

Brad noticed that Val and Jon were giving Alec shit on the field during practice, and he couldn't help but feel an overwhelming amount of guilt when he saw that Alec had no idea what was going on. He was probably trying to figure out what he had done wrong, which was absolutely nothing.

So after practice, Brad worked up the courage to talk to Alec, which he knew was probably a bad idea, but he had to do it. He had to tell him what was going on, had to apologize. This was all his fault anyway, not Alec's.

When he got to Alec's room, his stomach dropped. Alec had a bruise on his face and it didn't take a rocket scientist to come up with how he had gotten it.

So Brad told him. He told him everything he had told Val and Jon and braced himself for Alec's wrath, which came just as he suspected. Of course, how he could he _not _be angry?

Brad tried to hold back his temper, knowing that he didn't even have a right to be mad, but he couldn't help himself and he shouted right back at Alec. He couldn't control what he said sometimes, but this time he didn't care. This time, he said everything that came to his mind, and right now, that happened to be the pictures of Alec and Sparkle Boy.

"Did you think you could hide behind Max's little lie forever?" Brad demanded, glaring.

Alec stuttered a response that Brad didn't care to hear, because for once, he was right. He was right, and they both knew it.

"I don't get why you couldn't just tell me that you didn't like me _that way_. Why'd you have to go around lying, acting like you were straight in spite of everything and everyone you were hurting in the process?" Brads said quietly. "I wouldn't have told anyone, you know."

Alec tried to defend himself, say that it was Max who had said Alec was straight, not himself. Brad couldn't help but scoff at that complete and utter bullshit.

"Yeah? Well I bet you told him afterward, didn't you? Don't answer that, I know you did. Did you think I was blind? That I wouldn't see all of your friends and family looking at me the same way you do? I know you told them."

"You told Camille," Alec defended. "She's Clary's roommate, you know."

And that's when Brad did something really stupid. Maybe the stupidest thing he had ever done, but who knew, really, because Brad did lots of stupid things.

He told Alec about the painting, that he knew about it, that he had seen it and knew about Alec and Magnus. He regretted it instantly, just like he did with almost everything he ever said, but there was no taking it back now. Alec knew that Brad knew, and everything was over, everything was ruined.

Alec tried to defend himself, tried to pin what had happened on Brad. He even told Brad that he shouldn't be relying on Val and Jon because they would just leave him if they knew the truth. Brad already knew that, but it hurt to hear the words spoken out loud, especially when they were only said to hurt him, to make him feel like more of a piece of shit than he already did, which was hard to accomplish.

"Fuck you," were the last words Brad said to Alec before slamming the door on him and Jace.

* * *

Brad went with Camille to the party that night, hoping to get as drunk as he possibly can and avoid thinking about Alec and what a mess he's made. It didn't take long for Alec and his group to show up, with a few extras, and Brad went out of his way to avoid them. Alec's eye looked worse than it had when Brad had seen him earlier and it made his stomach churn uncomfortably in his abdomen. He hated seeing Alec hurt, and it only made it worse that he knew it was completely his fault.

Unfortunately, Sparkle Boy decided to scream at Val and Jon while he was in the kitchen getting more beer, and by the time he got back, Camille told him that Val was upstairs causing problems. Brad wanted to go up there and scream at Val, tell him that he was making everything worse and that he would never be able to work things out with Alec if he kept this shit up, but he couldn't. He knew Alec might appreciate it, but he couldn't do it. It was too risky.

He'd ruined it, he thought as he found a quiet place in the house to sleep off the alcohol that he had consumed. He'd ruined it for good. Alec was never going to talk to him again, and from what he had heard about the argument/almost fight upstairs between Val and Jace, there was no chance of that changing.

Brad couldn't help crying. He had lost everything. He cared about Alec so much—dammit, he needed him. How was he supposed to survive the rest of the year, hell the rest of his life, without him? He didn't know.

When Camille came in, Brad couldn't help but cry harder. She held him and told him that it would be okay, but he knew she was just trying to comfort him. It would never be okay. He had ruined everything.

"You'll find someone else, someone better," Camille said. "I promise. There are tons of guys out there that are way better than Alec Lightwood."

"There aren't," Brad said honestly. "He's the best. And I've lost him."

Camille sighed, squeezing him tighter. "You never know. Maybe you guys will work everything out and you can still be friends."

"I don't want to be his friend, you know that," Brad said mournfully.

Camille didn't respond to that and Brad could guess why. She was angry about the whole thing, but especially that. She didn't want Brad to want Alec so much—especially now. But he couldn't help it. He needed him. He did.

But it didn't matter. He was lost to Brad.

Alec was lost to him and Brad had burned the only map that could find him again.

* * *

**Please review and let me know what you think! Love you guys!  
**

**-Hannah xx**


	5. When Hope is Lost

**Hey guys! Thank you all so much for all your lovely reviews! I know this story is a little harder to get on board with since it's not really centered around a TMI character, so thank you to all of you who are reading it! It really means a lot to me!**

**I'll probably start updating this story a little more often than Who You Are for a little while, but that's because I really want to post the last chapter of this story and the last chapter of Who You Are on the same day so it's not a HUGE spoiler, you know? We'll see what happens though. I'm really busy right now, so I can't promise that anything will be fast.. yeah. Anyway, thank you all for reading and here is the next chapter!**

**S/O to my Uh-MAZING bestie Amanda for editing this chapter like always. You're the best girl3**

**Disclaimer: I don't own TMI or TID. FIIIINE. **

******Enjoy!**

******P.S. GUYS DID YOU SEE THE STUFF ABOUT TMI BECOMING A TV SHOW?! HOLY SHIT I'M SO EXCITED I LITERALLY CRIED. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. ESPECIALLY ABOUT THE CASTING. I KIND OF WANT THEM TO CHANGE THE CAST FROM THE MOVIE, BUT THAT'S JUST ME. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.  
**

* * *

By the time the State game against the Constantin Clovers rolled around, Brad was certain that Alec would never talk to him again. But even so, he felt like he deserved it. It was his fault, after all, that he had made up those things about Alec and he knew Alec had every right to treat him the way he was. The more he thought about it, he realized that he had never really been enough for Alec and that he should have seen this coming. He should have known that he could never measure up, could never be what Alec needed him to be, or what his parents needed him to be—he just wasn't good enough. He wasn't and he should have known that.

The team was supposed to be in the locker rooms in ten minutes, and Brad was hell bent on waiting to go until the last possible second. He didn't want Alec to have to look at him unless it was completely necessary.

"Brad!" he heard Camille shout.

Brad jumped a bit and stepped away from the fence he was leaning against, glancing at the door to the locker room to make sure no one had heard her. "What?"

"What are you doing? You're supposed to play in a few minutes, aren't you?" she asked. "Get in there."

"No," he said.

"Is this because of Alec? You know what happened isn't your fault, it's his. He's treating you like shit because of one mistake, and—"

"Bullshit, Camille! It is my fault, and everyone knows it! If I would have just kept my mouth shut, none of this would have happened. Besides, Alec's going to tell everyone my secret eventually and then I won't have anyone left to lie to."

Camille's jaw clenched. "Who told you that? Alec?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Why does it matter? It matters because Alec is a fucking asshole!" Camille said, grabbing Brad's shoulders firmly and giving them a shake. "Don't fucking talk to him, Brad. He's bad news."

"Fuck you, Camille," he seethed, shoving her off.

"Listen to me," Camille said, stepping closer and lowering her voice. "Alec is never going to be your best friend again, okay? But I am. I love you more than he ever has or ever will. So please, please for the love of god let go of him and _move on_. It's all you can do. You'll find someone better than him, I promise."

"There is no one better, Camille. Don't you get that? Alec is the best there is for me, probably for anyone."

"You talk like he's a god," Camille scoffed. "You have to move on, Brad. This isn't healthy."

"He'll forgive me eventually," Brad said. "I know he will."

"We'll see," Camille said, somehow making her words sound like a threat, though Brad couldn't imagine what she could possibly be threatening. "I'll talk to you after the game. You can let me know what you think then."

Camille stalked away before Brad could say another word, leaving Brad with an odd sort of feeling in the pit of his stomach that something very, very bad was about to happen.

* * *

The game started normally, or at least as normally for what had been going on recently would allow. Brad had made Val and Jon promise to play nice so they could win this game and they had grudgingly agreed, despite Val's threats of beating Alec up again if he so much as looked at Brad. It made Brad's stomach roll to even think of it.

Camille was the commentator for this game, somehow, and rather than talk about plays like she was supposed to, she was basically talking shit about Alec the whole time, which, Brad had to admit was sort of funny. Alec apparently thought it was kind of funny too and he kept glancing at Brad as if he had something to do with it.

And then when Alec made the first goal, he gave Brad a high five like they used to and then blinked a few times, like he was surprised at his own actions. Brad just smiled at him and tried to make everything seem alright, and for a few minutes, it seemed like it was working. They worked together and then Alec scored the second goal of the game. The crowd was going crazy and Brad heard Camille yell something into the loud speakers about how Alec had finally got his shit together or something, and it made him smile. For a moment, it actually seemed like everything could be okay. They were playing like they used to and they were completely dominating the field because of it. He hoped Alec could see that, could see that everything could be okay if he would just forgive Brad. And maybe he could. Maybe, just maybe...

The game was interrupted by a couple of streakers and Brad couldn't help but laugh at them. It seemed like everyone was. Brad peeked over at Alec and couldn't help but smile even wider when he saw that Alec was laughing too. His smile was contagious and his laugh was downright consuming. Brad felt his stomach doing flips as he stared at Alec, but he couldn't place the feeling that was bubbling up in his throat. Alec was so gorgeous, even when he was a sweaty mess. Brad honestly didn't think there had ever been a single moment in Alec's life that he hadn't looked perfect, whether Alec believed it or not.

_"AND NOW," _Camille's voice echoed throughout the stadium. _"A BRIEF ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE ALICANTE SCHOOL BOARD. I REALLY THINK YOU WILL ENJOY THIS ONE."_

Brad couldn't take his eyes off Alec. He saw his gaze was locked on something in the stands. He just couldn't help but peek over at whatever Alec was staring at.

Sparkle Boy. Brad couldn't help but deflate a bit at that knowledge. Alec liked someone else, and from the look they were exchanging, Brad could guess that Alec _really _liked him. Unfortunately, Sparkle Boy seemed to share the sentiment.

Brad's attention was torn away from the pair by loud gasping and shouts from the stands, growing increasingly louder by the second.

Brad looked around the stands to find out what they were all talking about and felt someone's hand on his shoulder. He glanced back to see Val grinning at him like an idiot and pointing up toward the advertisement screen. Brad felt his stomach drop.

Oh, _hell no. _

On the screen was a crystal clear image of Alec and Magnus kissing and grinding on each other in a club that looked an awful lot like the club Camille and her friends (and occasionally Brad) frequented. The caption on the top of the screen read _Alec Lightwood's Night Out. _Oh god. Camille had gone to that club a few nights ago and… oh god. Brad's blood ran cold. Camille did this.

Brad looked around frantically, tearing himself away from Val and searching the field for Alec. Alec needed to know that this wasn't Brad, that Brad hadn't done this.

Finally Brad spotted Alec, who was standing completely still in the middle of the field and starring in open mouthed horror at the screen. But before Brad had time to reach him, something struck him hard on the right side of his face, knocking him to the ground.

"What the fuck!" he shouted, grabbing his face and looking up just in time to avoid a kick to the face from his attacker, who, upon second glance, was none other than Jace Lightwood.

Before he could do anything else, Jace grabbed him by the front of his jersey and hit him hard, more than once, in the face. Brad attempted to push him off, but he was too confused and disoriented to do any real damage to Jace.

Val lunged at Jace and threw him off of Brad, giving Brad just enough time to roll out of the line of fire. Brad could feel that his nose was bleeding, but he honestly didn't care. All he could think about was Alec.

There were quite a few boys on the field now and Brad saw that they seemed to be attempting to break up the fight.

"Jace, come on," said a boy that Brad didn't recognize.

"Yeah. Come on, Jace." Val said, stumbling a few steps backward. "Go comfort your fag of a brother. I'm sure he needs it."

Brad cringed at the words and backed up as Jace flew at Val with more fury than Brad knew he could possess. Brad had never seen that kind of malevolence in Jace's eyes and it was honestly frightening.

Brad pulled himself to his feet and scoured the field for Alec, but found nothing; thankfully out of the corner of his eye he saw Magnus running out of the field like a bat out of hell and knew that he must be following Alec.

Brad ran as fast as he could after the two of them, but he wasn't quite fast enough and by the time he made it out the gates, the two of them were nowhere in sight.

"Brad!" a heavily accented voice shouted from behind him. Brad wasn't sure which Lightwood was shouting his name, but if it was Jace, he wasn't going to stay to find out.

Brad took off running toward his room, deciding that running after Alec with Jace on his tail was probably the last thing he wanted to do. Alec wouldn't want to talk to him right now anyway, probably wouldn't even listen. Once Brad reached his room, he immediately began pacing back and forth in his room, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. His hands were shaking, but he didn't know how to make it stop. He needed it to stop.

It was Camille, he knew it. It had to be. She was the only person who had the opportunity to play a video like that and the only person who was malicious enough to try something like that. He was sure Alec knew it was Camille too—how could he not? And Alec would assume Brad had something to do with it too, especially after what had happened between them last time they spoke.

Alec was going to tell everyone. The realization hit Brad so hard that he had to sit down. Alec had no reason to keep Brad's secret anymore—why would he? Camille had just ruined any chance he had at winning Alec back, and not only Alec, but _everyone. _He was going to lose everything now; well, everything he hadn't already lost.

It was over. Everything was over. Camille had betrayed him, practically outed him herself, and now he had no one. Once his parents found out, he would officially be alone.

Alone. That was such a hard concept to stomach.

Brad felt something wet on his cheek and reached up to discover he was crying. And why wouldn't he be? He had just lost everything, lost his entire life, because of one stupid mistake on the soccer field. And yet… he couldn't bring himself to regret it. At least he got to kiss Alec one time before it was too late.

Brad's hands were shaking and he was still crying, but he didn't know how to stop, didn't know why he should. What pride did he have left to hold on to?

Brad's rational side knew his emotions were running wild, that he needed to calm down before he made any rash decisions, but what would that help, really? What did anything help? He had ruined everything—he had no reason to do anything, to worry about anything anymore. Everything he could possibly be afraid of was happening and it was too late to hope for anything better. He didn't deserve anything better.

Brad thought about the kid that had hung himself in his room last year, the kid that everyone talked about the first week after he died but forgot about after that, and wondered if he had felt the same way Brad did. Had he ruined his life too? Had he run out of people that would care if he was gone?

Brad thought that he must have and he could relate. He couldn't think of anyone that would miss him too badly if he were to go away. Camille had other friends and Alec sure as hell wouldn't care. His parents probably wouldn't even notice. He tried to think of someone else, but he couldn't. There was no one else.

A sudden burst of anger swelled up in Brad's chest as the tears continued to flow. He had nothing and soon everyone would know it.

There was only one thing he could do, one way he could escape.

Brad stood up and wiped the tears from his eyes. He could do it. He could escape. He was brave enough to go through with it, he knew he was.

Brad slipped out of his room and made for the staircase, taking them three at a time.

Brad pushed open the door to the roof and stepped outside, surprised at the sudden darkness. He hadn't known how dark it was. It made sense, really, that it would be this dark. Even the sky knew that he didn't deserve to be seen.

Brad noticed his hands were no longer trembling as he stepped toward the ledge, peering over it carefully.

Eight floors.

This was it. Brad knew that it was now or never. He could escape if he really wanted to—all he had to do was fall and then everything would be okay. He wouldn't be alone anymore—he wouldn't feel like no one cared. He didn't know if there was a heaven, or if he would go anywhere at all after it was over, but it didn't matter. All he cared about was now; being free _now_.

He thought of Alec and all the time that he had spent pining after him and admiring him for everything he was. The way Alec looked at people like they mattered—no matter what, the way his eyes would light up when he was talking about his family, the way he would smile when Brad complimented him as if it was something he wasn't used to. Brad couldn't get enough of him, could never get enough of him.

He loved Alec.

Brad felt his heart clench in his chest. He loved Alec. He fucking _loved him. _God, why hadn't he realized it sooner?

He'd been such a fool.

He never allowed himself to consider the idea that he loved Alec, that he would always choose Alec over anyone else if the circumstance called for it. He had just thought that was normal, that people always did that when they had a crush. Because Alec was just a crush.

He had been wrong. He should have known.

But now it was too late. He had lost Alec for good and there was no possible way that Alec would ever think of Brad the same way again. He had lost him. He had lost the one person he loved most.

Brad stared straight ahead for a few moments and stepped onto the ledge, taking a deep breath. All he had to do was fall. Brad inhaled deeply. He felt calm somehow, like this was right, this was what he was supposed to do. It was the only way and he could do it.

_It will all be over soon. Just take one more step—_

"Brad!"

Brad froze. No, no, no, no, no. He couldn't do this with someone watching. He just couldn't—

"Brad, what are you doing?!"

Brad turned around to see Max Lightwood standing a few feet away from him and panting like he had just run all the way up here. Maybe he had.

"Go away, Max," Brad said, his voice wavering just enough to make him wince.

"Brad," Max said slowly. "Please get down. Just-just come over here, please. We can talk."

"Please," Brad's voice cracked and he could feel his legs shaking. "Just go. Let me do this."

"Let you… are you insane? I'm not going to _let you_—"

"YES!" Brad shouted. "Don't you know that by now? Everyone else seems to."

Max swallowed thickly and held both of his hands up as he took a cautious step forward. "You're not insane. Let's calm down a bit, okay? I just want to talk."

"There's no point," Brad told him. "Don't you get that? Maybe there never was."

"This isn't going to fix anything, I promise you that."

"I don't care. I just—I need it to stop. I-I just—"

"I'm sorry about everything that's happening to you, truly. But everything can always get better."

"Not for me," Brad argued, turning back toward the edge of the building. "I don't deserve better, anyone could tell you that. It's too late for me."

Max was silent for a moment. "You're wrong. It's never too late to find redemption, Brad."

"It is," Brad said. He could feel tears on his face again, but he didn't care. "I don't have anybody, Max. You don't know what that's like. You have no idea what it's like to lose somebody you love."

"Are you talking about Alec?" Max asked, his voice low. Brad looked at him desperately and Max continued. "You love him?"

"What do you think?" Brad choked out, his chest heaving.

"You didn't lose him, not yet," Max said.

"He's going to think I did this," Brad said. "He'll never want to speak to me again."

"I'll talk to him. I'll explain. Everything will be fine, I promise," Max said, taking another step closer.

"What are you doing?" Brad asked when Max took another step closer.

"Just come down here and talk to me. Please," Max begged.

"I am talking to you."

"Then at least come down here so I don't have to be so scared. We can talk in my room."

"I don't know," Brad said, shifting his weight and glancing behind himself and over the edge of the building.

"Come on," Max said, holding out his hand and taking another step closer to him. He was close enough now that he could touch Brad if he wanted to.

Brad chewed on his lip for a moment before reaching out and clasping Max's hand, allowing Max to tug him down from the ledge and guide him away from the edge of the roof.

"Listen," Max said, pressing Brad against the door to the stairwell. "I know everything feels crazy right now, but I promise you you're not as alone as you think you are. You have me and Camille and your parents and—"

"I don't have my parents," Brad said quietly.

"Okay, well you have me. I will be here for you all day every day, just say the word and I'll come find you. I don't want you trying something like this again, alright?"

Brad stared at Max for a moment, contemplating, before he nodded.

"I'm not joking," Max urged. "If you ever start thinking thoughts that could lead to something like this, I want you to come talk to me. I don't care what time it is, or if I'm in class. If you need me, I'll be there."

"Okay," Brad said tightly.

Max nodded and pulled Brad into a quick hug before propping the door open and motioning for Brad to go inside. "Let's go."

"Where?"

"My room," Max said.

"Somebody could see us," Brad said automatically.  
"One, it's dark so no, they won't. And two, so?" Max said.

Brad had nothing to refute him with, so they went.

They spoke for more than two hours before Brad went back to his own room and it was an odd sort of feeling to be alone after that. Brad had told Max almost everything about his life and everything about his feelings for Alec. Max had already seemed to know a lot of it, but that didn't surprise Brad. He knew the Lightwood siblings talked to each other a lot and they didn't really keep secrets and he couldn't help but feel a bit sad that he didn't have any siblings. Maybe then he wouldn't be so alone.

But maybe he wasn't. Maybe Max was right and it just _felt_ like he was alone. Maybe Max wasn't just being nice and he genuinely did care? Brad hoped he did. He hoped _someone _did.

He couldn't help but to hope.

* * *

**First of all, I just want to say that I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart, and I hope to god that none of you have ever felt as shitty as Brad feels. Genuinely.  
**

**If anyone is struggling with any of these issues or anything else, I'm always here to talk. And if you don't want to talk to me or you need something more, please contact the Trevor Project Hotline at 866.488.7386. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help. They will talk to you about anything you need to talk about, and it is a completely judgement free, confidential call, I promise. Even if things feel hopeless, please remember that there is a light at the end of every tunnel. Also, Amanda is very passionate about the organization TWLOHA, an organization similar to the Trevor Project (Except it is not designed for LGBTQ youth like the Trevor Project is), so feel free to look into that as well.**

**Please, please remember that you are never alone, and there will always be someone there to talk if you need it, including me. I love you guys. *heart***

**"Hope can be a powerful force. Maybe there's no actual magic in it, but when you know that what you hope for most and hold it like a light within you, you can make things happen, almost like magic." -Laini Taylor, "Daugher of Smoke and Bone"  
**

**- Hannah xx**


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